The Cost of Hate
by Miss Kagura
Summary: Sesshomaru reflects on the things in life he has lost because of his hatred. Implied Sess/Rin Oneshot!


_Disclaimer: This fic is dark, hapless, and contains character death._

_

* * *

_

**The Cost of Hate  
**_By Miss Kagura_

* * *

**The first thing hate took from me was Father's love.**

He withdrew from me in disgust and disappointment, shocked his own son could be so cold and ruthless. Father was not like other youkai; he was kind, warm, and loyal. What I failed to understand then was that in attempting to make me feel compassion, Father was trying to help me find happiness. I ignored him, I insulted him, and I disrespectfully waited for the day I would overcome him, becoming greater and mightier than Father.

The last conversation we shared foreshadowed the tragic events that broke our family. Even now, I remember his words, the smell of his blood, the gentle crashing of waves against the shore, and an intense, burning hate deep in my gut. Father stood before me, resigning his life to Hell to save his human mistress and their bastard child. I believed then that my brother was unworthy of breath, so the concept that my father would throw his own life away for such a foul creature infuriated me.

"Father, you would die for a mortal woman and a son that should not exist?" I asked him.

The look in his eyes only angered me further; Father looked sad and tired. He was tired of trying to teach me to be less selfish, less terrible, less hateful, and for all his efforts, I only stood there and challenged him as he made the final decision of his life. "Do you care at all about the life of your brother?" He asked. "Do you not understand why I must do this?"

"I understand." I said. "And as far as I am concerned, I have no brother. Tell me, Father, why you wish for me to feel the things you do? Your 'love' is going to take your life from you."

Father sighed and turned away from me. "And if you do not change, hate will destroy yours."

The rest of the conversation consisted of an arguement over swords and Father's parting wisdom. "Do you have someone to protect, Sesshomaru?" It was never really a question, although I could not see that then. What Father told me was the key to his greatness, which I lusted after with everything in me.

**The second thing hate took from me was Father.**

Had I had even the slightest amount of kindness in my heart, I would have been the one to save my brother and his mother. Because I did not, my father spent the remnants of his energy and life saving them instead of healing. Father's death was terrible, and he died without honor in the eyes of youkai. He was stabbed, shot with arrows, and then burned alive in a blistering inferno.

The next morning, I went to the castle where his bitch had been living and discovered his charred corpse. I had not gone there for his body, only to take Tessaiga and So'unga, finally mine after so many years of waiting. They had already been taken by his vassals, but as I stood there, I made a vow to myself.

I would not follow in Father's footsteps.

**The third thing hate took from me was my brother.**

I hated my brother.

Inuyasha was four or five years old the first time I met him. I hated everything about him, from his impure blood to the ears on his head and the fact that my father had died to give such an abomination life. He was just a child then, and did not understand. Not that he ever would; my brother was many things but intelligent was not one of them.

"Really, you're my brother?!" I can still hear his excited little voice in my head.

I should have taken him away from that place, from the humans that hated him for his youkai blood. I should have made sure he was safe and protected him. I should have taken him in and been a brother to him. I did none of the things I should have and let the hate in me spread like cancer.

"**_HALF_**-brother." I spat as he hugged my leg. I peeled him off and lifted him up by the hair. It was so easy; he weighed so little and seemed to think that if he tolerated my cruelty, I would accept him. "Make no mistake, Inuyasha. You are a miserable half-breed and I will have nothing to do with you." I dropped him and he stood back up, staring at me questioningly. "What?"

"What's a half-breed?" Inuyasha asked.

I narrowed my eyes and knelt in front of him. "Our father was the greatest demon in all of the world. Your mother was his filthy human whore. That is what that means."

He blinked a few times, embarrassed by his confusion. Inuyasha had no clue as to what a 'whore' was, but seemed to understand that it was an insult. "Did you know Father?" Did I know Father? Until he started to withdraw from me, he had been my best friend for centuries. And there Inuyasha stood, asking if I had known him, grasping for some knowledge about what he had been like. "Mama says...he was a kind man, that he loved me."

"You mother is lying. Father died because he was ashamed of you." I said. "You killed our father, you miserable little brat. You do not deserve to know him, or anything about him."

I could hear him crying when I walked away.

Inuyasha somehow managed to survive to adulthood, and with each year that passed, I became more violent toward him. I slit his throat, cut his ears off, beat him, tortured him, poisoned him, and routinely left him to die alone and in pain. Still, he survived. Inuyasha was unbreakable, and while anyone else would have earned my respect, it only made me hate him more.

**The fourth thing hate took from me was my arm.**

Knowing what I know now, I understand why Father left Tessaiga to Inuyasha. That day at his tomb, I felt slighted, wronged, and infuriated by my father and his bastard son. Myoga the Flea stood on his shoulder and screamed in his ear. "Cut the cur deep!" I had thousands of memories with the flea, most of which brough back fond recollections of my childhood. And yet there he stood with Inuyasha, encouraging him to spill my blood and end my life.

To make matters worse, Inuyasha had brought a human woman along. I was unsure as to why any woman would be in his company, especially one that was clearly attractive enough to do better in human society. He was hanyou; he was not allowed to have friends, family, or lovers. Still, she stayed by his side, shouting at both of us while waving my father's fang at me with more audacity than a weak human should have had. I tried to kill her for it, and she disappeared under a puddle of poison, seemingly killed by my claws.

The moment Inuyasha thought she was dead, he suddenly came to life, scratching and hurting me for the first time in his life. He had no self-esteem; he would tolerate my abuse. However, when I turned a violent hand toward the wench, he found the will and anger to strike back. Kagome was not dead, or even hurt, but my blood boiled at the thought that Inuyasha believed he was actually worthy enough to fight back. I transformed, ready to crush him with my purity and might. Ready to kill him like the pathetic half-breed he was.

I bit him, held him in my mouth, tasted his blood...it was not enough. That day, I would have killed him. There was no doubt in my mind about it. He realized this, but his thoughts must have been on the wench. Tessaiga roared to life and the next sensation I felt was my father's own fang slicing my arm off.

The worst thing about the entire event was that Inuyasha could have decapitated me, or stabbed me in the heart, or slit my throat. He chose not to kill me, and I hated him for it. How could he be so weak? His mercy disgusted me.

**The fifth thing hate took from me was love.**

A pretty little girl named Rin came into my life. She grew into a gorgeous young woman and I fell in love with her. Rin was everything I could have wanted in a lover; she was lovely, sweet, caring, and loved me with more passion than I thought possible. The problem was that she was human, and I hated her for it. I tried with all of my strength not to love her.

The final battle with Naraku came and I only escaped with my life because of Inuyasha, who dealt the killing blow to the one we had both hunted so long. "The kill was mine." I growled as his intolerable wench knelt beside me with her bizarre yellow bag.

"You're hurt badly. Let me--" Kagome tried to say.

"Touch me and die." I hissed as I forced myself to stand and escape from the immediate area. After all, I would have prefered to die than accept pity from that bitch. She was the one who saved my brother from Goshinboku, she was the one that caused him to take my arm, and I hated her.

I sat leaning against a tree for quite some time, waiting for my wounds to heal. On the last day of my recovery, I heard the crunching of branches as a familiar human scent approached. Rin peeked around a tree, then rushed to my side. "My Lord!" She threw her arms around me. "I thought you might have...might have..." She was crying for me. The relief in her voice said all the things she knew better than to say with her mouth.

"Rin, it is alright now." I said, carelessly wrapping my arm around her. She was not expecting it, and fell into my embrace. Rin gasped and looked up at me, and then, without any warning, bravely kissed me. Her lips were desperate and passionate, but her kiss disgusted me. I told myself it was sick for humans and demons to do what we were doing, but I was unable to stop. With a soft moan, Rin broke the kiss and straddled me, placing her hands on each side of my face as her warm lips came down upon mine.

Rin pressed her forehead into mine. "I love you." She knew I would never have said it back, such things were below me. "Please...I want this more than you can imagine."

I growled lustily and pulled her obi, tossing it aside as I laid her down in the grass. My hands parted the kimono and then wandered over her breasts and stomach. Disgusted with myself, I licked and kissed her in places she had not even thought would feel good. She was more demanding than I had imagined, pushing my head down between her legs, which she spread in anticipation. The beast in me tasted her innocence, sweet yet ready to be shed. Rin wanted it, I wanted it, but it was wrong. I pushed her silky thighs further apart. "Scream for me." I whispered as my tongue slid inside of her. Rin did more than scream; she moaned, panted, and thrust herself at my mouth, writhing at my touch, begging me to take her.

I undressed and propped myself up on one arm. "Will this hurt?" Rin asked, staring with wide eyes at my erection.

"Yes." I said. "But only for a moment."

Rin cried out when I entered her for the first time, and I could smell the blood immediately. A million things ran through my mind in the following seconds. I had taken Rin's innocence. No human man would want her if they knew, if they looked for the innocent blood in their wedding bed. It was something that would end a marriage as soon as it started. Did she know the consequences of what we were doing? Did she care?

She moaned when I started to move inside of her, giving in to what my body and soul had been craving for so long. It was a sin, the most foul thing a youkai could do, to stoop so low as to mate with a human. In my eyes, it was worse than murder or torture or any of the other terrible things I had done in my life. I drew so few moral lines, and crossing this particular one made me feel guilty, but satisfied. Making love to Rin felt right in a way I could never really describe.

For a months after that we lived like people who were in love. One conversation brought the only happiness I had ever known to a screeching halt. Rin was resting on my chest, and she looked up at me. "I'm leaving you." She said softly, as if to take the edge off her words.

"Why?" I asked.

Rin sat up. "To set you free. I will not stay here and be the thing you hate most about your life, no matter how much you love me."

**The sixth thing hate took from me was Rin.**

I am unsure of how much time passed in between the day Rin left me and the day I found her again. Immortality makes the passage of time over short periods seem insignificant, but even a few months without her seemed like forever. I had too much pride to go search for her, but by chance, I picked her scent up near a monastery.

For several hours, I sat in a tree nearby and considered my options. I would not lie to Rin; our relationship was wrong, sinful, and something that I despised. However, I still loved her, even though I had yet to actually say those words. Nothing had changed; I still hated her humanity.

Rin's scent came nearer to mine and my nose and soul both curled in disgust at the smell that mingled with hers. She was pregnant with hanyou offspring. Never in my life had I felt so angry at myself, or her for that matter. That was something I would not tolerate, and there was only one thing to do at that point.

In all of the time that she had followed me, that was the only time Rin had ever made me truly furious. She carried that creature without even bothering to inform me, but I understood that was probably because she knew what I would do. I would do it anyway, it had to be done.

I slipped into her room and walked toward the futon where Rin was sleeping on her side. I gently knelt beside her and ran my fingers through her silky hair, admiring her beauty. My hand slid over her body, under the sheets and then under her yukata, until it rested against her belly, which was much larger than I had anticipated. It was irrelevant; a low dose of my poison soaked into her skin, leaving no trace of what I had done. Just as I was about to move my hand, I felt a firm kick against it. I jerked my hand back and went back to the window. I took one look back and saw Rin moan in her sleep as her body started to respond to the poison in her womb.

A day later, I found myself staring at my hand, replaying the memory of feeling the pup kick it. Over and over and over. It was amazing in a way, and sickening in so many others. I wanted to go back and feel it again, and then, the only thing I felt was regret.

I went back to the monastery to find Rin, but there were other people in her room. A lot of them. A shrill, painful scream assaulted my ears as I stood outside her window. She still had not miscarried, and was having a difficult time. The smell of her blood was overwhelming, and I entered the monastery through the front door, seeking information from those who were tending to her.

"Come to finish what you started, Demon?"

I turned and saw a monk I recognized. Master Ungai, who had tried to rescue Rin from me many years before when she was just a child. Rin chose to follow me, and he yelled warnings at her, all of which were unheeded. Rin never would have believed I had harmed her in the way I had. "I will never forget your aura, your wickedness, or that poor little girl. You were here last night, I sensed it."

"Is Rin alright?" I asked. "Is that screaming normal?"

"No." Ungai said, staring daggers into me. "I knew this is what would eventually happen when I first saw her.You took her innocence, her future, and her child. Will you kill her when there is nothing left to take?"

I snarled. "She gave herself to me."

"And the child?" Ungai asked. "Did she tell you to sneak into her room and force her into torturously painful labor, so she can give birth to a dead baby?" I refused to answer him. "I do not blame you. What that child is...is disgusting, tainted, unworthy of life."

I growled at him, despite agreeing with him, and ran down a hall at the sound of another scream. I entered the room, even though it was probably improper. Rin was sweating, crying, suffering, and bleeding...there was so much blood. She looked up at me, and fear filled her eyes. "Sesshomaru! I-I..."

"Shh..." I said. I am unsure if I have ever inflicted as much suffering upon any person as I did Rin, the only woman I ever loved.

Several hours later, as Rin reached the final stage of bleeding to death, she gestured for me to lean in so she could tell me something. I did so, and she whispered three words in my ear.

"I forgive you."

And then, even more horrifying than her words, her blood on my hands, or the knowledge that I had killed her, the softest sound touched my ears. A tiny canine whimper. It was calling for it's mother, but was ignored by the two women in the room as they made some final efforts to save Rin's life. The pup whimpered again and Rin's eyes rolled over to me, asking me to do what she could not.

I finally looked toward the source of the sound and picked up the pup. He was so tiny, I could hold him in my hand. So tiny...he would never survive.His little head turned just slightly and sniffed the palm of my hand. The whimpering stopped and two tiny amber eyes met mine. He knew I was his father, and he looked up at me with the instinctive trust I had always given my own father.

That was the moment that the cruel horror of what I had done hit me.

**The seventh thing hate took from me was my son.**

My son lived four days.

I named him Touga after my father, since his existence and death was evidence of my father's words coming true. Because he was born so early, he could barely breathe, and could not swallow anything. He grew weaker and weaker until his body refused to keep functioning. Touga wanted to live, I could see it in his eyes, in the way he simply kept living when it clearly hurt to do so.

Most of the four days was spent alone with him cupped between my hand and bare chest. It was how my father and I bonded, why he always meant 'warmth' in my mind. I thought about all the things I had deprived him of. He would never walk, never talk, never kiss a girl, never learn to handle a sword, never laugh, and never know what it was like to really live. I thought about resurrecting him with Tenseiga, but knew he would only die again. It would not have been an act of mercy to let him suffer through death twice.

The monks burned Rin's body, for what she did in their eyes was so wicked only fire would purify her. I killed them.

I buried her ashes and our son deep in the forest at the place I first met Rin. And then, desperately seeking for some way to relieve the pain, I hunted my only other living relative down.

I killed my brother that day.

As I walked away from his corpse, I heard his bitch sniffle behind me, choking back sobs. I turned and saw the hanyou pup sleeping in her arms. The pup was big, healthy, and seemed so content and peaceful. Loved. Deciding I had ruined enough lives, I drew Tenseiga and let him have his happy life back.

At nightfall, I found myself back at the grave. I knew what I needed to do; I needed to be there for my woman and our pup. I would not let my son be alone with his mother in the Netherworld. It was too late for me to change things in the world of the living. There was only one way for me to make things right.

I drew Tokijin and did the first honorable thing of my entire life.

* * *

**Please review!**

Author's Notes: Yep. He killed himself. My apologies.


End file.
